Donald Trump’s election has proven very profitable for our company; we have signed an exclusive contract with the Russian government to punish any Russian Olympic athlete training at an American university who has been accused of . Today, Nikolai Romanov, a 24-year-old blonde with the chiseled physique of a wrestler, is delivered to us. The Russians are attempting to show the world they are “getting tough” with their athletes – especially those “corrupted by the West” – placing blame on individual athletes instead of the Russian Olympic program. Nikolai, who speaks English reasonably well after spending six months training at the University of Illinois, knows he must allow himself to be d nonstop for 36 hours – to be stripped naked, shocked, whipped, crucified and God knows what else – or he will be sent back to Russia and just disappear. Next: Genital .

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